бетина кнфер (cassavetes) wrote in dp_dr,
бетина кнфер
cassavetes
dp_dr

Long and self-centered

So. Throughout my life I've always had some degree of existential thinking. You know, wondering about the universe, wondering about existence, why "existence exists", those kinds of things, also about my very existence and the concept of "self" and if I really had such a thing. It would go away as I interacted with people, I think they were more like thoughts rather than a state of mind (except for the "self" thing). I never felt like I was occupying a different realm of consciousness, and I also saw some sense in life, although I would often get frustrated with how I seemed to fail at a lot of things.

I could never get close to crushes, even though I wanted to. It seemed as if as soon as they got close, I wanted them far away from me. I did have a few experiences, but not with people I was particularly attracted to. More in the sense that I wanted to feel like I was "active" rather than some kind of hermit. Cold. I was always cold. Sometimes warmth would "disgust" me in a way, I'm not sure why. I controlled myself very tightly so as to not make these infatuations noticeable. I lived a lot in my head.

Anyhow. I got to university with these issues, hoping I'd somehow solve them.. I fucking hope to God I do.  I saw the same situation building up once again, seeing someone that was building a lot of resentment towards me.. So I obvs. went to a shrink so I could solve the fucking thing, it was driving me mad. I got asked if I had ever had an "affectionate" relationship with anyone, and I could not fathom if I ever had..

I started analysing _everything_ I did, my every infatuation, my every distraction (my shrink interpreted my difficulty in getting to his office in terms on whether I subconsciously didn't want to be there or not). Then I stopped feeling things, somehow. No anxiety, no affection, no nothing and I can't feel hunger or sleepiness either. I'm still pretty fucking distracted.

Anyhow, sometimes I get the sense of floatiness, then of unrealness, then the feeling that the world's unreal or irrelevant, and the feeling that life's irrelevant. Sometimes it feels like a swinging consciousness, because it's never centered, it always escapes from me and it feels like I'm experimenting all kinds of depersonalisation there can be. Then there's this weird sense of dissociation, where part of my mind gets blocked, or where I get the sense I have a morphing "personality" or something. My shrink tells me "everyone has a morphing personality" and that it's not wise to prescribe me an anti-psychotic (it's fine, they scare me anyway). In a sense I have no clue of what "feeling better" means anymore.

Whatever. I hope I don't get DID. Or become some Schizoid with no sense of purpose in life. I want to be emotionally involved in living. I'm not sure I am right now. Of course now the thought has become "wow, I wonder if I spent my entire life depersonalised/derealised". I don't think I did, even though I was highly introverted.. Whatev's. I want back in. To some extent, I feel that intuitively, "in" is very painful right now.
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