I can't sleep at all.. if I don't take sleeping pills I'll lay awake for hours just thinking and thinking.. about stupid bullshit.. like who I am.. and am I in the right place.. am I supposed to be doing something else with my life right now? Is my life going anywhere?
I know I'm growing stranger to people.. during a conversation I'll completely zone out and start concentrating on other things.. about how I feel so strange.. like the conversation isn't even happening.. I totally completely take myself out of the situation.. hard to explain
I can't speak.. just can't..not won't or will not.. mentally and physically can't.. I freeze in public situations..I'll start thinking about what to say and how to say it in a billion different ways.. kind of like I'm trying to find the ultimate way to say something.. by the time I figure it out it's totally random and out of palce so I either say it late or don't say it at all..
I used to be outgoing anfd fun.. now I'm quiet and strange.. I'm just observing.. everything and everyone..always.. I feel very different lately.. not myself.. kind of like I'm not realy living.. I just exist.. If I'm not doing something my mind just wanders and wanders.. soon I start getting upset because I feel like noone understands me or relates to me.. I'm my own entity.. there is no soul mate for me or best friend.. noone understands.. noone gives a shit.. people half listen for a few minutes but don't really listen.. or maybe I'm not making myself clear..
I'm going to a new therapist next week and right off the bat I know she's not going to get me.. it's not like I think I'm special or anything but I truly feel alone.. I have never met anyone that I relate to.. or connect to.. never had a true best friend.. how can someone be your best friend if you can't talk to them and they don't get you? I feel alone.. very alone..always have..but I can't accept it.. these feelings make me so very sad.. they feed my depression.. fuel my isolation.. it's just me and me for life.. life is a very long time..
I'm only 24 now so how many more years of being alone can I take??